My motivation for wanting a better life….
One of the biggest excuses I used to give myself for not having more of the things I wanted in my life, was that I didn’t have the time. I told myself (and anyone else that would listen) this excuse so often, that I actually began to believe it. Thinking back however, for me “I don’t have the time” was really a pseudonym for “When I imagine all of the things I would need to organise in my life to make that happen, it seems like far too much effort so I think I won’t bother thanks”.
My problem in the past was quite simply that I didn’t have enough motivation to find more time. Yes my life was busy as hell, being a stay at home mum with three young kids, but even that wasn’t uncomfortable enough to make me act in a different way. My husband is Mr Super Organised. Mr Super System. Mr I will not even take the kids to the bathroom until the bath is full of water, the pyjamas are laid out in a neat row and the towels are hanging and ready to be used. I think I used to drive him quite mad, with my disorganisation and fly by the seat of my pants attitude. But the issue was that when I wasn’t running around juggling a hundred things, and frantically trying to keep up with the mess and devastation caused by three young kids, I didn’t honestly know what to do with myself. If I actually found myself with a spare half an hour, I didn’t know the most productive way to use it. I mean of course if I think about it, I could’ve caught up on those little jobs that never seem to get done, or folded some laundry, or sorted some toys. But because I hadn’t actually planned these things into my daily list of things to do (assuming I even had a list, which I didn’t), they too got pushed to the side and rarely achieved. Sound familiar?
When I finally decided to change was when Jack was born, and I simply couldn’t continue the way I was. My system stopped working. I felt guilty because I wasn’t spending enough time with the older kids, because every spare minute I had was spent tending to Jack. I felt guilty that my husband was working his ass off to support us, and all I could do was bitch at him when he came in from work because I was feeling so bad from feeling so guilty, and I thought blaming him would make me feel better. I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to work enough on Rainbow and bring in more customers, and give my staff total peace of mind that they would still have a job cause the company was getting stronger. I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to see my elderly grandmother every week anymore, because I was working so much. I felt guilty that I never got to see my sisters and my parents and that every time they called me to say hello, I was distracted and preoccupied and not able to listen to them. Quite simply, I felt like a total and utter failure.
The funny thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is only one way you can go from there: UP. I decided to take control of my life, implement systems, take a step back and evaluate what is important. I began to set simple, measurable goals for my relationship, work and family that didn’t involve a massive amount of action or planning, but that started things moving in the right direction. And do you know what happened? Dramatic improvement. My life literally changed in seven days. It wasn’t the well oiled machine that it is now, but in seven days there was so much of an improvement in every area of my life, I couldn’t help but continue.
You see, when I gave myself the luxury of more time, I actually knew how to spend it because I had a small, doable action list that included all the things that were important to me. I now have purpose, direction and peace. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But life certainly feels a million times more enjoyable and really, what matters more than than anyway?